When is "10-Minutes" too long?

When you go into the tanning booth for the second time and punch in "10-minutes" because you didn't get tan during session 1 using "5-minutes."

Okay, so I can be as impatient as the next guy. Normally, I wouldn't even consider going into a tanning booth except that we own one! So I figured, eh - what the hell. Queen is extra complimentary when I acquire a slight bronze look during the Summer months, can't hurt. Or can it?

Today, I jump in the booth after setting the timer for 10-minutes (12-minutes is the maximum).

No big deal. Nothing out of the ordinary. Done, dressed, get ready for the trek home.

About half-way home, I feel like my ass is stinging just bit. Now, keep in mind, during my first session, I left my underwear on because I didn't want to cook the sausage. This time, I didn't wear the underwear, but in the interest of protecting the sausage, I slid a sock over it. Yes, I did. And it's probably a good thing that I did.

I'm burnt... not too bad, but enough for a little sting. I have lobster ass. Yes, I do. Baboon ass. Just like on National Geographic. Whatever that animal is with the red ass... I'm it.

Next time, I'll go back to 5-minutes. Or 8. Or perhaps 10 again, because I can be an idiot that way.

I love the East Coast

Holy shit. I've never had much of a problem with reading books before seeing a movie, but Hollywood is really pissing me off now. I've read Memoirs of a Geisha about 20 times. The movie... was good, if you didn't read the book, but if you did, eh, it was okay. But now, I'm finally watching Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, and this movie fucking sucks. Damn. I had pretty high hopes, I really did. The sucky part is that I haven't had ANY time to read. So much so that I've actually canceled my BooksFree.com account until I have more time.

In the meantime I've been spending most days creating graphics for ads, and man it sucks. Is this a recurring theme in my life? Our Valpak ads come out this week, this weekend we have an expo, next Saturday we have in insert in the newspaper, if we don't have 100+ new members, I'll kill myself. That's all folks.....

Holy shit, I may be drunk, but DO NOT watch this movie, seriously.....

Fuck Exxon

Man, time is going by sooo freaking fast. The start up of any business is crazy, I know, I've built two of them from the ground up. But this time has been a little bit different. Because it's a franchise, we couldn't get anything ready until the final, final, papers were signed. That meant we had a lot of marketing ideas but no materials to back them up until we actually got in there. So the past 3 weeks have been spent gathering marketing materials and in most cases actually creating what we want either because it didn't exist or we hated what the franchise already had. We've put together pricing points for different population segments, and we've had to completely retrain all the employees on business systems, and now we have to concentrate on sales training as all of our marketing comes out in the next two weeks.

This weekend is going to be crazy as we are exhibiting at the new Greater Philadelphia Women's Expo, and when we get back we have to tweak our presentation and prepare for the Philly Fit bash in May, which just happens to be right down the road from the gym! It's perfect timing. Starting the middle of May we are kicking off a Bridal Boot Camp which should be very interesting! Press releases for the event went out Friday, which was very strange for me as I hadn't written a press release since my first company started, 5 years ago.

And, please, please don't get me started on gas prices. We drive well over 5000 miles each and every fucking month. At this rate, I could have 3 homes.....

Eat something

Wow, usually either I or the Prince is quick enough with the clicker at 11am that we are never subjected to watching The View. We were both busy this morning, and I gotta say, Star Jones looks like a fucking alien. Gain some weight girl, because your features were not meant to be on a skinny chick. What the fuck is with the eyebrows? They cannot be real, please tell me they are not real.....

Down with Quaker

The best part right now of owning a gym is working with the sampling division. Each month corporate sends packets from some company to give away to members, and this month is Quaker Rice Cake snacks, OMG these things are fabulous. And they are perfectly packaged in 50 calorie bags. Unless of course you eat 10 bags.....

Spring Break, not so much of a break

I'm buried in work, plus I have the boys all week. We didn't get home until late, late, Monday night, and we leave tomorrow early, early, to work at the gym and head to NJ for the weekend. So I've had 3 days to do 547 things on my to-do list. The list I wrote at the gym late Sunday night, hasn't even made it to the light of day. Tonight I need to to payroll so I can send the numbers into ADP tomorrow before we leave. Tonight the STBEH is bringing the kids over for dinner, since I haven't seen them in a week. Oh my God I miss them. I can't tell you the last time I've gone more than 48 hours without seeing them. They had fun at the beach though, so all is good.

This week's disaster was corporate FINALLY switching over the software. However, they did this WITHOUT telling me it was finally happening and so NO ONE could sign in! Yikes! It took 2 days to get the sign in information straight, and one employee still can't sign in. Luckily she won't be working until Monday night.

The Queen of conferences that I am, got us and 3 other franchises signed up for a Philly Women's Expo in just 2 weeks. I called the promotion company to see if anyone had already signed up and they said not a one. So I picked up the phone, because I didn't want to pay the whole fee myself, cheapass that I am, and found out that the other 3 all WANTED to sign up but were waiting on everyone else. Pulease people. Just get it done. But at least I'm in charge because I don't think any of them have ever had to work a show. Next month the Philly Fit Bash is right down the road from the gym, so I think we'll be doing that one as well. I love doing expos, if they are done right it's such a great business builder. Done right is the key. Also working on getting our other marketing out finally.

In other news, we have NO life. Seriously. We haven't been able to watch a TV show, go out to dinner, or clean the house. And let me tell you how not cleaning the house feels - LIKE SHIT. I'm crawling out of my skin because of the mess. I did some work today, but I swear everytime I turn around the boys have destroyed something else. Right now I'm staring at a pile of board games that are completely wrecked. I just can't tell them to clean up another thing. I've given up. That makes it my fault. Oh well.....

Court Date 1 - In The Books

Let me preface this by saying that the following thoughts, details, and gloats are not over-confidence. It's simply what happened during Court Date 1 - fully two years after this whole mess got underway.

We spent the entirety of Friday afternoon and I personally spent the entirety of Sunday at my attorney's office, doing what I think should have been done at some point during the many thousands of dollars I've accrued since I brought her on board last year. To make this portion of the story short - I left her office on Sunday and called Queen, rather upset, explaining that I had zero confidence and that I felt that we started and finished preparing our case this weekend, and the day before the case. I was a wreck.

Fast forward to Monday... and I'll summarize...

• There was only 1 witness. The custody evaluator. We're not done. This will easily cost three days time.
• The judge is clearly disgusted with the evaluator. So much so that the results of the psychological testing are OUT.
• The judge was grilling her so hard on her conclusions that at one point, my attorney leaned over and said, "Good God, she's asking all of my questions!" My simple reply was "that's good."
• The evaluator was stuttering and stammering so much, I almost felt bad for her.
• By the time my saucy attorney got started on cross, the evaluator practically looked sick.

These are not exaggerations nor embellishments. I couldn't have predicted that Day 1 would have gone so exceedingly well. I say this believing that I still have an incredible uphill battle and it may take a friggin' miracle to actually win primary custody of my boys. A little part of me felt like Monday had the early look of potential miracle, but I'm sure that when I make it to the stand, I will be facing some extremely tough questions in my own right.

These are highlights and lowlights all at the same time:

• The evaluator openly admitted to "not reading much" of what I gave her as evidence... several hundred instant messages and emails supporting my concerns about her mental health and well-being.
• In the face of documents that showed my ex wrote instant-messages and emails on no fewer than 6 occasions in the last 4-years that showed her penchant for having breakdowns and suicidal ideation (documents I gave her) - she actually had the audacity to tell the court that these issues were "not of concern" about her or her parenting ability.
• She portrayed my psychex as someone who "always portrayed the father in a positive light during our interaction" - at which point the judge stopped and read from the report telling the evaluator - "In your report, she accuses him of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and of being a homosexual. Are these things you find to be positive portrayals of the father?"

It was so much more embarrassing than I could possibly put into words, but the judge (in conference) has not only told both sides that the results of the psychological testing are out, but that she will not be giving the actual evaluation a whole lot of credence in making a determination.This, in my mind, is good because I have so much evidence that supports my concerns about the ex that it will come down to who can prove what and how much so. She appears (so far) to have ab-so-lute-ly no-thing.

It was so much worse for the other side. Still, I operate on the assumption that the results are a foregone conclusion. However, know this... I have 5-years worth of documentation, tape recordings, transcripts and similar evidence that includes the suicidal thoughts,/mental breakdowns, and assloads of emails that demonstrate her systematic and ongoing efforts to interfere with my relationship with the children (her family interfering as well). There are several hundred documents. Considering that I only offered 5 yesterday that were, for all intents and purposes, clearly not anticipated by opposing counsel.

Ultra-highlights:

• 4 documents that show her history of breaking down. 1 is an email argument between her and her bipolar sister where they argue over who has the most miserable existence... which I was voluntarily copied on by my ex at my work email address. She specifically states to her sister that she has "thought about committing suicide many, many, many times over the course of the last few years." 3 others are her IMing me complaining of feeling like she is having a "mental breakdown" and how she cannot deal with the children on her own. 1 of those specifically indicates that she is considering checking herself into a local mental health facility.
• The other were transciptions of the cellphone voice mail threats from her sister and father from last Summer which you may recall. My ex turned redder than her hair. Her attorney, after jumping up and vigorously objecting to these being submitted as evidence due to "they have not been authenticated!" - sat in his chair with his head in his hands like he had no frigging idea what to do. Now, when you consider that the evaluator claimed that I had submitted to her for review a stack of documents that measured "approximately 1-1/2 feet high" (a gross exaggeration) - I can't begin to imagine what opposing counsel thinks that I have in addition to those 5 pieces of paper. The only witness yesterday was the evaluator, and to say that the judge, my attorney, and her answers had her looking like a complete buffoon... is the understatement of the year thus far and yet I still believe I will lose my ultimate objective - primary custody of the boys.
• During the lunch recess, Queen and my mother go across the street to the local cafe' where opposing counsel and custody evaluator and sitting right next to them having a discussion. I'll defer to Queen to offer the details, but needless to say, what was divulged was brought back to my attorney and me and were (and will be) quite helpful as cross-examination resumes on some as yet unscheduled date.

The other side looked ridiculous, the judge killed the evaluator. I truly can't think of a single compelling thing she said against me. I mean... she tried... but it's so painfully obvious a completely one-sided white-wash of me and I think the judge sees it. And we've only just begun to scratch the surface...

Hot damn

So, the first thing we found out when we walked into the gym last week was that our supposed FIVE employees would be down to TWO after this week. T.W.O. Okay, and BOTH of those employees could not work 3 of the same shifts. Which meant we had NO ONE. The first thing I did after learning this and signing all the papers, was pick up the suggestion box and start reading. There was a scathing remark about the old owner who stole both scales, from a gym, hello. So we ran out and bought two new scales five minutes later. There was a note about extending hours. Done. Then there was a note suggesting that they get the previous manager back. The employees then remarked about getting the previous manager back. Then 3 members remarked about getting the previous manager back. Then we started hearing stories of why she left.

Unbeknownst to us, members and employees started calling the previous manager letting her know we took over and that the evil old owner was gone. This morning another member suggested we call her. And we finally had time this morning to make the call. And she fucking rocks. She ALREADY KNEW what hours we had to cover next week, she ALREADY had a key left over, and she has ALREADY been to the franchise training, WE haven't even been there yet. Finally, something goes right.....

Google got me

Okay, I know the Internet. I know Google. I know LOTS of people that work at Google. I've gotten VERY drunk with them. I know Google's April Fool's Day history. But saturday, I was VERY busy. And we finally had the gym computer back up on our new system, printer working and everything. Suddenly we had to search for something. And then I see that Google has created Google Romance. I figure, damn, it's about time they get into this game. I mean Yahoo has been there forever. And I actually click on the link. And then I briefly glance over the page and I realize... I've been had. I literally smacked myself in the head.....

The end is here

I don't even know what to say. I'm VERY excited about the business finally fucking closing. Yet the entire weekend was absolutely nuts. We had our work cut out for us, and while we accomplished everything that NEEDED to be done immediately, there are 534 things on our to do list, not exaggerating. On top of that, my uncle's funeral was set for this morning at 10am. That meant I would have to drive 4 hours home last night, get here at 9, get myself and the kids up at 4am and drive 4 hours to my hometown. Everyone told me not to bother coming, and after working almost 60 hours over the weekend, and driving a total of 20 hours, I took their advice and decided to stay home since I had 4 calls that had to be made so that the business didn't end up without water, electricity, and phone service at noon tomorrow.

As it turns out, none of my family made it to the funeral because they had to call the ambulance for my grandmother instead. She is now in the hospital and I'm waiting on word so I can leave to go up there. The only good news was that Julianna was released from the hospital after her surgery correcting the birth defect.

Now, what you have ALL been waiting for, drumroll please...
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We are now the proud owners of a GYM! I now have no excuse for the size of my ass or the fact that my skin reflects it's own lighting system.....

One down, one to go...

Wow, what a whirlwind weekend. With a week ahead that is packed full of activity for the week, I thought I'd take a shot and say, one biz is acquired.

An interesting, very busy weekend that saw us with only 2 of the 5 employees we were expecting... and not a fucking thing we could do about it. Fortunately, one of the two appears to be outstanding and extremely enthusiastic, so keep the fingers crossed that we can acquire another body or two and she proves to be everything she appears to be in weekend #1.

A lot of work to do, quite a bit of organizing... but early indications are that if we put a minimum of effort into this - it will reap significant rewards... the previous owner didn't do "jack" as evidenced by one comment this weekend... "Oh, well, I've only spent about an hour-and-a-half here in the last 12-months."

That means we've accomplished more in the first 3-days than he has in the last year. The employee or two that we have are very excited about what we have planned and have already done. The clients we've met this weekend were similarly enthused and some full of rather wonderful ideas.

Onward and upward...