Slap the Jackass

I've hit a streak of circumstances that has proven very frustrating. You go into a store looking for a particular part/product - in this case, automotive - and the dumbass representative behind the counter gives you the wrong part. Of course, you don't realize it until you go to install the part...

My phone rings on Wednesday evening, "Honey, I have a headlight out - please pick me one up for me when you get a chance." Sure thing, doll. Thursday, I pick it up at lunch. The lazyass in me just walks in, goes up to the counter and asks... "I need a lowbeam for X car, could you kindly tell me which one I need?" Sure thing Mister M. - it's #9006. Off to the rack I go, pick out a pair and head up to the counter. I inform the younger guy behind the counter that old guy told me 9006, but there is a 9006XA, 9006XS, several variations of 9006 - will this one work? Yep... that's what he tells me. It's the correct one.

Fast forward to this morning. It's light. It's cold. I have to scrape my paddle-hands stuffing them into the small area where I can wrest the halogen from it's housing. I'm bleeding. Still, I manage to get it out without leaving too much skin hanging on the other engine parts.

I break open the new pack. It's a pair - cheaper, and it's been so long since a headlight has been replaced on her car that I just figured I'd do them both at the same time and save me the trouble of having to do the other one somewhere shortly down the line. I disconnect the old bulb and start to try and jam the new bulb into the connector and it simply won't go.

You have got to be kidding, they've done it again, gave me the wrong fucking bulb. The old one has two channels, the ones they gave me only have a single channel. Oh, and looky there! The bulb I pulled out has "9005" stamped on it. Those stupid motherfucking lamebrained bastages at Autozone... they get it right about 50% of the time...

I open the front door and lay a mini-rant on Winechic: "Babe, the stupid old bastard at Autozone told me the wrong fucking pack of fucking fuck fucking headlights for your fucking car fuck. I'm fucking going to drive all the fucking way back down there and show them the fucking bulb with the 9005 on it and thank the fuckers for fucking fuckity fuck fuck bulb fuckers!" She rolls her eyes and tells me she'll see me in a little bit. And off I go back to Autozone to be all smarter than them.

I walk in and go up to the counter to Mr. Young Guy and say "My friend, I think you gave me the wrong bulbs. The other guy told me that I needed the 9006 bulb, but look here on the bulb I pulled - see - right here... it's stamped 9005."

Mr. YG: Yeah, that's the high beam.

Mister M: Really? (I'm already starting to feel the blood rush to my face, me, Mr fucking Smart Guy having to deal with the morons at Autozone - stupid jackasses that they are.)

Mr. YG: Sure is! Just to be absolutely certain, come here - let's check the computer together! His joviality was annoying and I knew at this point I was dead wrong, but I humored him... See - right here, "high beam - 9005, low beam -9006, you have the correct ones, sir.

I could see him holding back his laugh when I held up the 9005 bulb and looked at him, saying Uh, yeah, I guess I could have looked at the bulb and see here that the filament is still completely intact.

So, jackass walks out of the store and drives all the way back home, puts the high beam back where it belongs and replaces both low beams. He also endures the sarcastic, mocking laughter of Winechic who is just LOVING my embarrassing story after the pre-non-return rant.

~Mister-M